Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Glorification of Busy

“I have to pick up one child at school at 3:10 and be across town – a 20 minute drive, with another and have her ready in her leotard for Ballet for 3:30, then I have to race back and get the third one to a scout meeting for 4:00 and then back to the dance studio to pick up the second one for 4:15 and then get over to the other side of town for the first child’s football practice that goes from 5 until 7. At some point I have to leave there and grab my second child from scouts at 5:30. After 7:00 I still have to get dinner, homework and baths done!”

She says this as though these horrifying conditions have been imposed upon her by some higher power that would mandate that, unless her and her children are running ragged all day every day, she is not fulfilling her motherly duties. And she is looking at me as though I should be impressed. I’m not. I feel sorry for her and her kids.

But what’s really going on here? Do some parents really feel that their children need all that? Or is this some kind of strange competition for busiest parent of the year? Are these schedule run-downs that seem to happen any time you ask “what have you been up to?” their way of excusing themselves from the PTA? Or that play date you talked about six weeks ago? Or just making sure you know they aren’t lying around eating bonbons all day?

I try really hard not to judge other people’s parenting. But I have to ask, what is the benefit of having such a packed schedule?

What does this teach our children? Do they hear that, for time to be well spent it must be spent doing some formal activity? What would they do with themselves if they had some lengthy span of unscheduled time?

What values are we imparting during this mad dash? How are we cherishing our time…or theirs? Are we suggesting that we, as parents, have very little to teach them ourselves so we have to rush out at every opportunity to pay someone else to teach them something? Or even that every usable minute should be used to learn something?

I used to think it was an over-indulgence of the child’s requests for extra curricular activities, but having heard parents complain about how their children detest piano lessons or how hard it is to get them to pay attention for the entire dance class, I don’t think it is. I’ve also heard parents comment on how well their child ‘held up’ given the grueling nature of their schedule, or what a ‘trooper’ they were for having endured it. I think it holds some kind of value to the parent, not the child. A status symbol, or the ability to partake in a discussion about nearly any child related activity from experience. Maybe its a justification of what they ‘do’ as a parent, a strange sort of accounting for their position as mom or dad. A way to feel that not working outside of the home is justified, or a way to feel that working outside the home doesn’t negatively affect their children’s lives.

Whatever it is, I don’t share their admiration of their own impossible schedule and their insane quest to fulfill it.

I treasure family dinner times, together, at the table. I adore when my kids want to show me some crazy game they invented or some contraption (like the “exercise machine” they recently invented…a box, tied to a string, tied to one of their ceiling fans. Turn the fan on and it chases you and you run…voila, exercise machine!). I crave the days when they beg me to read just one more chapter of Magic Tree House and I’m not completely exhausted and I kind of want to know what happens next too, so we do. I love to do something we hadn’t planned on doing, or call some friends over on the spur of the moment for game night.

That’s not to say that we don’t do activities, we do. We have skating and scouts and karate and gymnastics, and next semester we’ll have a handful of things that take us from here to there. But we choose carefully and treat our time with the same care and thoughtfulness that we give to anything that we place a high value on in our lives. And when we do get to skating or scouts or gymnastics, I want them to enjoy it, not endure it. I want them to be ready, rested, well-fed and clear minded. We only get a finite number of seconds in this life, and I would rather cherish every one of them, then be so busy scheduling them all that they race by in a blur.


Staying Home and Being Social

Homeschooling’s #1 critic is socialization. Socialization has literally kicked the crap out of homeschooling in the mainstream psyche for the past hundred years or so. But homeschooling has a new ally and socialization did not see this one coming.

I’m on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, I’m a blogger, I send emails, I text and, occasionally, I even talk on the phone. Before I’ve even had my second cup of coffee in the morning I have contacted, spoken to, informed, and conversed with dozens of people, maybe more. I work out of my home, and my husband does too. Mind you, no one has ever called us unsocialized.

Now that my kids are homeschooling it comes up all the time. What about socialization? Aren’t you worried they won’t be socialized?

There are some people who would argue that socialization has never been a problem for homeschoolers. That may be true. I went through the ‘regular’ school system so I wouldn’t know. What I do know is that my kids are homeschooled and they have more opportunity to socialize now than they did in school.

That’s a pretty bold statement and I’m sure some people are doubtful. But hear me out.

At school they had to sit in a room full of people that they weren’t allow to talk to for a good deal of the time. They got 15 minutes to eat lunch (eat fast kiddos) and then 30 minutes to play. They were also given another 15 or 20 minutes for recess (if that wasn’t taken away as a punishment). These were definitely social times (except for that 15 minutes that they had to eat – how much socializing can you do when you need to scarf down a sandwich and a piece of fruit in 15 minutes?). Then, of course there were times throughout the day that they were able to work on projects with other kids and class discussion, that sort of thing. But the rest of the time they spent lining up to go to another classroom or listening to instruction/lectures and being shushed if they were caught chatting with their friends.

Now they spend about 3 or 4 hours a day actually buckling down and doing school work (much of which we access online). When we head out during the day to hang out with other homeschoolers (we can find tons of groups online with the click of a mouse), we are gone for 2 or 3 hours – and all they do is socialize. We do that at least 2 or 3 times a week. They are in more activities than we had time for when they were in regular school and we still have time to sit down and eat dinner together every night. Add to that the fact that they can Skype with their friends and family, that they connect on Minecraft servers and that they still hang out with kids who live near us when those kids aren’t in school and I really think we’ve got ‘regular’ school beat on a quantitative level. But when I think about the quality of their interactions now I am even more pleased with what we are doing.

My kids have a much more varied social life than they used to. The homeschool groups we meet with have tons of members and when the kids find other kids they connect with we make more of an effort to join in the activities that those kids are joining. Because they have more time for activities they are meeting more kids from other schools and other districts. Because of technology they are connecting with people in different states and different countries. Because we have more time in general, they have chosen to keep in touch with kids they met on our recent travels. They are being exposed to all kinds of people from all walks of life. They have met kids who homeschool because of medical issues, or because of developmental disabilities. They have met people who live totally different lives than they do and it has changed the way they see the world.

So yes, we are staying home and being very social. And they are getting an education in life to boot.

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